Christopher McCandless Was a Total Moron

So today I was going to do a Top Five Least Badass guys ever post in contrast to my Badass post the other day. I thought of the people I’d include this morning and Christopher McCandless, along with Lars Ulrich, and Abby Hoffman were on my mind.  I changed that; however, when I watched Sean Penn’s 2007 docudrama Into the Wild today for “research.” (I guess I should be studying but it’s President’s Day so I’m chillaxing). 

After watching the movie and getting rather infuriated by McCandless’s stupidity I decided to only write a Top Number One Stupidest Least Badass person ever post and that person is Christopher McCandless.

I first learned about the sad McCandless tale long before Sean Penn made a movie about him.  When I was about 8 or so, there was a dateline or 20/20 documentary about him and I watched it.  For those of you who have not heard of McCandless’s plight, he was a spoiled kid who had everything handed to him, like most of those types, he got dissatisfied with his reality and went off to live an idealistic lifestyle without anything modern.  That’s all fine and good, but it brought about his demise in a rather tragic manner.

 He graduated from Emory and had grades good enough to go to Harvard Law.  His parents offered to buy him a new car as a reward and he yelled at them and belittled them for it.  After that, homie had dreams of going to Alaska and living in the wilderness. Instead of using his sizeable bank account to fund it, he donated all $25,000 in cash to charity.  When I first watched the 20/20 episode, I couldn’t fathom anyone having $25000 in cash and especially not that kind of money to give away.  It was the early ‘90s after all.  Then he took on a bunch of odd jobs to make the money to go to Alaska with a goal of doing absolutely nothing to contribute to society.

When he got to Alaska, he moved into a bus on the formidable Stampede Trail. He thought he was going off and doing some cool badass shit. Going against society, man. Doing what I want, fool. But he didn’t really.  That Alaskan wilderness made him its bitch. It chewed him up and spit him out for a snack. Then it killed him. He died of starvation, never making it out of the bus alive. Why? Because he was a goddamned moron.

My problem with McCandless is two-fold and goes past my dislike of him for his stupidity.  First, lots of people go out into the wilderness to follow their bliss.  It’s whatever piques your own interest, I suppose. But McCandless did it in the lamest most pitiable way ever.  Most who decide to live in seclusion in the wilderness are seasoned outdoorsmen equipped with enviable survival skills.  McCandless was 22 years old and had no skills for living in the wilderness.  Hell, even I like to go into the wilderness sometimes, but when I do I take the proper precautions and take enough provisions.  I also don’t go BY MYSELF to remote and treacherous portions of Alaska. 

Secondly, most people who live in Alaska are either 1) Eskimos who have unique genetic qualities allowing them to survive in Alaska’s harsh conditions; or 2) people who live in cities, relying on infrastructure for survival. (Interesting sidebar: My biological mom lives in Anchorage...even though she's from Phu Ket, Thailand). People weren’t meant to live in a cold bus in Alaska to make a statement.  After he lived on a bus for a while and had terrible luck hunting or fishing for food, he died of starvation weighing only 67 lbs. 67 LBS!!! Although, word on the hiking trail is that he shot himself with his hunting rifle.

The sad thing is, some people idolize him.  There have even been admirers who have perished while attempting to make a pilgrimage to his Death Bus. At the same time, he probably just had an undiagnosed mental disorder.  Had he gotten the proper treatment, he may still be alive today and not fodder for jokes.

So even though he didn’t manage to win at life or at absconding from society and doing what he wanted, he wins a whole blog post about his anti-badassery. So here's to you Mr. McCandless, you’re the Number One Least Badass Dude Ever.

McCandless in Alaska. Before he starved to death.

Top Five Most Badass Guys Ever

I like badasses. People who don’t give a f*^k and do cool stuff without pretense or expectation.  They don’t follow a formula, they usually just go with their gut and do whatever their situation requires. That’s what a badass is. I’m not putting actors on this list, like Steve McQueen, because I don’t think they’re real badasses. They just pretend to be.  The following five people are ones who I think were actually the most badass ever.

5) Charles Lindbergh.  I learned about how badass he was from Pawn Stars.  Before watching Pawn Stars, I thought Charles Lindbergh was just a run of the mill pilot who flew his little plane across the ocean. However, Rick Harrison on Pawn Stars said that he was only able to do what many others had tried before…but they died in the process. He was the Pilot who Lived. Charles Lindbergh said, “I don’t give a f*^k, I’m gonna fly that plane!” Even though he named his plane the “spirit of St. Louis” which sounds kind of lame, I guess he was pretty cool. Cheers to Mr. Lindbergh.

Yeah, I am pretty cool.

4) Giles Corey. So the puritans (or whoever it was who killed witches back in the day in Salem) decided to crush Giles Corey until he confessed to being a witch.  This was because they could only confiscate his sizeable property from his family if he confessed.  They put a lot of rocks on top of him and every time they told him to confess, he just looked at them and said, “more weight.”  F*&k you, witch hunters!

More f*&king weight.

3) Leonidas.  The movie 300 pretty much summed up this one.  He was one of the most badass guys around.  The Persians were coming and tried to take over Sparta.  Leonidas only had 300 men because the Powers that Be in Athens didn’t want to help him and his Spartan homies out.  Luckily, there were no whiny little bitches in Sparta.  Leonidas took his three hundred best guys to the straights of Thermopolyae and fought the Persians off with his bear hands.  Arguably, this was influential in preventing the Persian takeover of the western world.  Only Spartan women had Spartan men, though!

Get those prissy hands off me, bitch.

2) Edward Teach a.k.a Blackbeard the Pirate. I’ve been a fan of Mr. Teach since my grandparents took me to the Outer Banks when I was a child.  It was there where I bought a book about Blackbeard and I read every word of the pirate tome, fascinated by Blackbeard’s exploits. This guy just didn’t give a damn about anything except money, fornicating, and inciting fear in everyone else.  He formed pirate gangs, blockaded whatever port he wanted to, and killed and took with abandon. He put dynamite in his beard to scare people, for crying out loud.  Blackbeard was the kind of badass the rest of us can only dream about. Let’s pour some out for Edward Teach.

I do what I want.

1) Tich Quang Duc. Buddhists were being terribly persecuted by the Roman Catholic governent and no-one was doing anything about it. No one seemed to care about the atrocities enacted against the Buddhists until Tich Quang Duc lit himself on fire in protest at the intersection of Phan Đình Phùng Boulevard and Lê Văn Duyệt Street in Saigon.  His story is so incredible to me that he has to be the most badass dude ever. Tich was a Buddhist monk who had so much control over his mind and body that he burned himself to death without moving a muscle in protest of the persecution his religion faced.  After the act, worldwide attention was turned to the situation in South Vietnam and the Roman Catholic government was eventually toppled. Unfortunately a lot of Tibetans are self-immolating too in protest of the Chinese government’s treatment of their country.  This is not getting a lot of media attention. We should all be grateful that we live in a society where this type of action is not needed to bring about the changes we seek. Hat’s off to Tich Quang Duc.

Respect.