Changing the world, one pageant at a time.

This idea is going to change the world.

After watching Toddlers and Tiaras last night, I couldn’t stop thinking of ways to make money off of stupid people.  Stupid people are great, really.  They’ll fall for anything and you can pretty much convince them to buy anything.

I kept researching toddler and child beauty pageants and I came across a link to a site that sells you a crown and a title of “state ambassador” for merely $195.  You just send in your picture and they’ll mail you a sash, crown, and title!  It is also very popular.  This is great.  It means there is a huge  market of stupid people who want to just give away $195 for a made up title and a $1.99 crown. 

So I’ve decided I’m opening my own online pageant site.  I think I’m pretty respectable and people will want to be in my pageant.  So I’ll charge $350 (and give them a $3.99 crown) and market my pageant as more high end.  It’ll be a Veblen good in the toddler pageant circuit.   Why would pageant moms want their little princess to have the cheap $195 title and crown, when they can get the $350 title and crown and be so much better than the $195 girls? I'm going to be so rich from this legal fraud.

In the alternative, I might just start a real pageant circuit. I have two ideas for this, the first is just for fun, but the second is to change the world (we all have a do-gooder streak in us). 

Another set of who I believe to be gullible people are those who will pay money for “religious” based consumer goods.  I have always believed someone’s religion is not something that should be profited from, because it leaves a person in a very vulnerable position believing if they throw more money at you they’ll be in a better position spiritually.  However, I do not have a problem with taking money from vapid pageant moms who exploit their children so I might start a religious pageant circuit.  On a side note, almost all of the pageant moms are really fugly yet think they're gorgeous, so I'm pretty sure they're living vicariously through their less fugly child.  Among the criteria for Little Miss Religious Queen would be a “wholesome” image (not glitz and glammed up sexified children), talent in the name of the almighty, and whether or not they have a purity ring. Hahahahaa.  Just for fun, I’d make them memorize and act out bible verses and passages, probably from Leviticus just for kicks and giggles.

If that fails, I will just start a circuit of pageants for girls who are smart and also care about their appearance.  Girls would compete in a series of events similar to a real beauty pageant, but also have a  series of quizzes, play a jeopardy type game, write a book report on something, and other cranial challenges. 

Just like everything in the world, there will be unintended consequences from this. There is one interesting (and world-changing!) byproduct of this pageant idea, though.  Girls who are smart probably come from parents who are smart, and therefore won’t pay my competitive yet outrageously high pageant fee.  However, the dumb parents won't know the difference and will think their little pretty child is smart AND beautiful, and will enroll her and instill upon her the belief that she must win this pageant to be awesome.  That means a bunch of dumb and pretty girls will still want to win the title of Little Miss Smartie Pants.  This will encourage them to read more, improve their knowledge of history and current events, and to try to learn in order to be a winner.  My pageant will be good for American culture because the spawn of vapid, shallow mothers will become educated and more well-rounded.  Accordingly, their values should also change

This will basically cause an opposite scenario to the one posed in Mike Judge’s cult classic, Idiocracy.  Society will get smarter and mankind will be saved.

Anyway, I’m writing this blog post from the train!! I’m currently on the Amtrak heading to New York City to visit my friends, party, and go cycling at Soul-Cycle.  I’m pretty obsessed with indoor cycling and really think I will open my own cycling studio one day when I retire from law! I am taking two back-to-back cycling classes as soon as I get there, then hitting the town.  Here is a picture of me on the train, I love trains!