Tonight I had a huge dinner with a friend and am now being lazy and watching TV. But I’m not watching just anything, I’m watching Toddlers and Tiaras! It’s the best document of human error and self-delusion I’ve ever seen. It’s even better than the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Still, it's inspired me to start researching toddler beauty pageants, even though they're mired in controversy. There's a lot of money to be made in the children's pageant circuit.
The mothers (and shockingly sometimes the dads too) on the show are horrible and go to all sorts of extremes to make their daughters look better. Several moms spray tan their children and hire photo re-touchers to make their pictures look more flawless (obviously b/c they’re too challenged to do it themselves.). It’s terrible, really. The moms encourage their toddlers to be shallow and judge themselves based on their appearance and sexual appeal than on their merits or depth.
One little Hawaiian girl was adorable, though. She said “I’m not nervous because I like my face and my hair, too.” Touche, little girl. Touche. But that was before her mom started giving her loads of Mountain Dew and candy to make her more hyper for the pageant… She probably won’t like the way she looks when all that sugar makes her a little fatty in a couple of years.
However, I love watching stuff like this. It makes me happy to have intelligence and thankful I wasn’t put in pageants when I was a little kid. It’s such a good portrayal of the shallowness in our society. It also makes me want to start a pageant organization. I’ve always been entrepreneurial and am always looking for a way to make some money.
One good way would be to organize some pageants for children or a “Pageant Agency” that makes all the pageant arrangements like a travel agency. One mom spent $7,150 on just ONE of her daughter’s pageants. The pageant organizers are the smart ones here, easily making more dough than a lawyer. Law school is clearly a waste of my time when the real money to be made is in the toddler pageant circuit. Pagenat fees are upwards of $1000 per kid, and the only prizes they give out are like a $1000 savings bond or a $1000 scholarship to one out of every hundred or so contestants. These people are idiots. So long, suckers. I’m starting a pageant circuit.
Just for fun, here's a pic of me showing the face I would make if I were forced to do a toddler pageant as a child.
Just for fun, here's a pic of me showing the face I would make if I were forced to do a toddler pageant as a child.
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